REYNOLDSBURG, OH — In the wake of its decision to return to a more attractive marketing presentation of its product, clothing maker Victoria's Secret has quietly canceled its planned Lizzo lingerie line.
"We probably should've given this more thought before we started," said Lillian Ellison, a marketing executive for the company. "Surprisingly, our customer base, and society as a whole, prefers to look at people and objects that are attractive to look at. Who knew the buying public didn't really want to look at giant fatties — er, I mean, people of size, in lingerie? You learn something new every day in the marketing business, I tell you!"
After spending several years attempting to appease critics who claimed the company sexualized and objectified women, Victoria's Secret has now chosen to move away from plus-sized and transgender models. "I wish someone would have told us that tailoring our marketing to feature a minuscule percentage of the population wasn't a good idea," Ellison said. "I had to break the news to Lizzo over the phone. She seemed like she took it well, but I couldn't really tell. It sounded like she was eating, so I wasn't able to understand what she said."
At publishing time, after canceling the Lizzo line, Victoria's Secret executives were struggling to figure out what to do with all of the fabric purchased to produce the line, with the leading suggestion to sell it to a company that makes those gigantic flags that are unfurled to cover entire football fields.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
