SYRIA — In the wake of being forced to cancel a series of concerts and disappoint thousands of fans in Austria, entertainment star and global superpower Taylor Swift ordered her private jets to launch a retaliatory strike on a suspected ISIS stronghold.
The strike began before dawn, with Swift issuing orders for a large-scale, multi-pronged assault on the terrorist base, with air strikes from her private jets to be followed up by waves of Swifties attacking on the ground.
"They threatened the wrong pop star," one Swift insider said. "ISIS clearly hasn't kept up on current events closely enough to know that Tay Tay is now one of the world's leading superpowers. You mess with her, you might as well be signing your own death warrant. Anyone who has seen the way she deals with ex-boyfriends knows she's not someone you want to mess with. If ISIS thought they had opposition on the world stage before, they're in for a rude awakening. Taylor's preparing to unleash hell."
Sources disclosed that the bombardment from Swift's private jets was intended to soften up the ISIS defenses to clear a path for the foot soldiers (dubbed the "Swiftfantry") to begin a full-scale ground assault. "It's not going to be pretty," the insider continued. "Little do the terrorists know that Taylor has spent the last few years stockpiling military-grade weaponry for situations just like this. The streets will run red with terrorist blood. And she won't stop there. She'll hunt these terrorists down around the world. You think George W. Bush launched a ‘War on Terror?' You ain't seen nothin' yet."
At publishing time, sources revealed Swift had already begun writing an upcoming song to take further revenge on the terrorists.
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