WASHINGTON, D.C. - After a federal judge ruled that Trump could not keep his tax returns secret throughout an investigation in New York, a frantic, sweating Trump accessed the free version of TurboTax online and quickly began punching in his tax information for the last several decades.
"Oh man, I might be in trouble," he muttered, wiping his brow, as he punched in his name, date of birth, and occupation. "Hey, Melania, how much did I get paid for The Apprentice again? Eh, I'll just ballpark it."
The president pulled several crumpled McDonald's receipts out of his pockets and slowly entered them as deductions. He also googled, "Trump hotel value?" and "How much money do you think Trump is worth?" to help him obtain the necessary information to complete the program. He also searched "Funny cat videos" but he said that was just for stress relief.
A grumbling Trump was eventually forced to pay for the premium version as he needed assistance, allowing him to chat with a tax professional.
"Hi, this is Jennifer. How may I assist you?" the TurboTax rep wrote in the chat window.
"Hi, Jennifer. Trump here. I need you to run the numbers again. Just crunch 'em and hit me back when you're done."
"OK, I will see how I can help."
"You're a fantastic person. I can tell, I'm a great judge of character," Trump replied. He then told investigators that "Jennifer is on it" when they asked about his tax returns.
But later, when the TurboTax rep informed him that she couldn't just run the numbers again and fix anything, he declared she was "the worst tax professional of all time" and suggested that the government should "start looking into sanctions against TurboTax."