WASHINGTON, D.C. — Attorney General Pam Bondi explained today that she was really going to release all of the Epstein files, but some pedophiles asked her to please not.
Bondi stated that she understood the disappointment over her not releasing the client list, which has been "on her desk" since February, but she promised the pedophiles that she wouldn't.
"Sorry guys, I told the pedophiles I would keep it under wraps," said Bondi to reporters. "Look, I'm just as bummed as you are. I had all these great little binders made up, with all the incriminating evidence I promised to release, then, ugh -- these pedophiles came along and asked me not to. Which is super sad, because now all these criminals will never be brought to justice. Too bad!"
Reporters questioned why Bondi decided to honor the request of the pedophiles when she had promised the nation to release the files in her possession. "You should have seen the look in the pedophiles' faces, okay?" replied Bondi. "They just looked so worried. Don't judge my decision until you've walked a mile in a pedophile's shoes like I have."
At publishing time, Bondi had announced that she would no longer be releasing any information about the FBI targeting Catholics because some nice FBI agents had said, "Don't do that."
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