WASHINGTON, D.C. - The United States Supreme Court announced their decision Monday to strike down laws requiring Louisiana abortion clinics to have better access to hospitals in case of medical emergencies. The Court expressed concern that the laws could limit abortion providers' access to massive profits.

Chief Justice John Roberts explained that the government should not place "undue burden" on abortion providers' ability to exploit poor and frightened women for cash. "Restrictions on abortion create a substantial obstacle for Planned Parenthood and other abortion providers to make money off baby parts," Roberts wrote in his majority decision. "The Constitution clearly protects the rights of corporations to seek a profit at the expense of the vulnerable."

According to sources, Roberts told disappointed conservatives he was obligated to follow legal precedent since the Court never makes bad decisions like denying citizenship to African-Americans or upholding forced sterilization of the intellectually disabled.