WASHINGTON, D.C. - Chief Justice of the United States John Roberts wrote in his decision ruling against restrictions on abortion today, "We can't just overturn precedent," though he presides over the highest court of a nation where slavery was once legal.

"Sorry, guys, nothing we can do. The law is the law. Sucks that there's no way to change it, but that's life. It's in the Constitution," he said, shrugging. "If a previous court decided something, we have to abide by it. There's literally no recourse."

Roberts suggested, though, that the country could come up with a method to overturn unjust precedents if we all put our heads together and think really hard.

"If only there were some way to challenge something that's unjust," he mused. "We could bring a complaint, or petition, before a group of people trained in the law who could change immoral precedents. I dunno, just something to think about."

"They could wear cool robes and bang a fun little hammer down when they decide things."