WASHINGTON, D.C. — With arguments being presented on issues that will have far-reaching effects on shaping the future of American laws, society, and culture, the other eight Supreme Court justices brought in Ms. Rachel to explain cases to Ketanji Brown Jackson.
The judges reportedly discussed a variety of potential solutions to mitigate Jackson's intellectual shortcomings before deciding to hire the popular YouTube star and children's educator to help Jackson better understand the complex cases being ruled on by the court.
"Hi, friend! Are you a… Supreme Court justice? You are! Yay! And you're a woman of color! GOOD JOB!" Ms. Rachel said as she introduced herself to Justice Jackson. "Today, we're hearing arguments on… boys pretending to be girls to gain an unfair advantage in sports! Your friends over there in the black robes wanted me to come tell you what everything means! Isn't that FUN? Yay!"
Witnesses in the courtroom reported seeing Justice Jackson clap excitedly at Ms. Rachel's appearance. "She had the biggest smile on her face," one source said. "It's a great move by the other judges to bring in someone who has had a ton of experience and success in teaching uneducated people at a sub-kindergarten level. Having Ms. Rachel start with the basics, like colors, shapes, letters, and counting could be a game-changer for Ketanji. At the very least, it should cut down on some of her ridiculously dumb questions."
Ms. Rachel reportedly saw the opportunity to privately tutor Justice Jackson as valuable preparation for her new role working with New York Mayor Zohran Mamdani. "She wants to get used to working with adults who are total morons," one insider said.
At publishing time, the Supreme Court called a recess after a confused Justice Jackson asked Ms. Rachel if the guy who sings the songs on her videos is a man or a woman.
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