MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Authorities responded on Friday afternoon to an apparent turf war at Kenwood Park, where tennis players and pickleballers fought to the death over the right to use the park's facilities.
According to authorities, 12 people died in the ensuing chaos.
"Yo, this is our turf! These are tennis courts, not pickleball courts. Go back to Dickman Park in your territory!" witnesses heard a tennis player identified as James Lindon shout shortly before a pickleball player pounced on him from behind.
First responders described the scene as a veritable bloodbath. "I'd never seen so much blood, or people misunderstanding the rules of pickleball," said EMT Miles Gormon.
According to sources, though Minneapolis has several parks with tennis courts, it still lags behind in special accommodations for pickleball players. As such, tennis players often feel entitled to their designated courts and refuse to share them, leading to what many consider to be an open class struggle.
"We are fighting on the front lines of the next great civil rights movement," said Steve, a diehard pickleballer. "Besides, those tennis players are so self-righteous. They deserve what's coming to them."
City officials warned the public to steer clear of parks for the foreseeable future given that they lack sufficient motivation to arrest anyone. "You don't want to get caught in the middle," said a law enforcement spokesperson. "These pickleballers can be especially vicious."
At publishing time, a gang of disc golfers had issued a strong message to players of all other recreational sports to stay off their turf.
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