DALLAS, TX — With the pivotal midterm elections less than two months away, the nation's most prominent members of the Republican Party prepared to gather in Dallas to get advice from the Cowboys on how to blow everything in November.
With President Donald Trump set to headline the party's first midterm convention, officials said they couldn't think of a better plan to formulate a losing strategy than to congregate in the city with a football team that is unparalleled in choking when it matters most.
"They're the experts," said one GOP insider. "We're getting down to crunch time now, so we can't afford to make any mistakes that could lead to us winning elections and retaining power in Congress this fall. We knew the best place for us to turn for advice was the Dallas Cowboys. They're more experienced in blowing it than anyone else on the planet."
The president agreed that getting input from the Cowboys on the best way to blow things in November was a sound strategy. "Nobody blows it like the Cowboys, that's for sure," Trump told reporters. "They've been doing it for 30 years now, do you believe it? Thirty years. When you want to win, you talk to the New England Patriots or the Kansas City Chiefs. Tom Brady and Patrick Mahomes. Tremendous winners. And they're MAGA, of course. Because they like to win. The Cowboys, not so much. They must like to lose, because they've gotten very good at it."
At publishing time, sources confirmed that the GOP would hold closed-door meetings with Cowboys executives, coaches, and players to build a well-rounded plan to blow any chance of winning in November.
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