KANSAS CITY, MO — A local Star Wars fan was excitedly awaiting the premiere of the new Andor series on Disney+ so that he will have fresh material about which he can spend the next several weeks complaining to anyone who dares to come near him.
"It's been a few months since Obi-Wan Kenobi ended, so I've really been struggling to find new Star Wars content to complain about and meticulously pick apart," said Graham Walker as he delicately dusted the Lego Millennium Falcon that sits on the shelf of his bedroom at his parents' house. "I can't wait to watch the three-episode premiere of Andor and get really, really mad about it."
In what has become a time-honored tradition in Star Wars fandom, legions of devoted followers will gather together at watch parties around the globe, dressing in their screen-accurate Star Wars cosplay, enjoying Star Wars-themed snacks like Wookiee cookies, Tauntaun wontons, and Yoda soda, to watch the debut of new Star Wars content they will violently hate immediately after.
"It's just part of being a Star Wars fan these days," said Graham's brother, Josiah Walker. "If you like any of the newer stuff, then you don't know anything about Star Wars and have no business counting yourself among our brethren. If only the new stuff could be like the original trilogy, which didn't have any stilted dialogue or massive plot holes whatsoever!"
At publishing time, the Walker brothers were simultaneously planning their Andor watch party and arguing about which one of them would dress as Han Solo and which one would be left to wear the Slave Girl Leia outfit.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: