NEW YORK CITY — Newly demoted CNN employee Don Lemon says his new role as CNN's Third Shift Janitor should not be viewed as a demotion because he "gets a really cool key that gives him special access to every room in the building."
"I am proud to announce that CNN has seen fit to promote me to Janitor," said Lemon on his last evening news broadcast. "I thank CNN for putting their trust in my abilities and I accept this very important responsibility."
According to sources, the former prime-time news anchor was engaged in a lengthy debate with a hot dog vendor on West 33rd Street during his 4 AM lunch break.
"They need me," argued the former prime-time news anchor. "Who else are they going to trust with all these chemicals?"
Juan Perro, a local entrepreneur who sells hot dogs with or without relish, shrugged. "If you say so," he replied.
"And I get a nifty uniform with a name badge!" Lemon said proudly. "Most of the anchors just wear boring suits."
The humble hot dog vendor quickly became uninterested in the conversation. "You still owe me moneys for the hot dog," he said, changing the subject.
Witnesses claim Lemon grumbled and refused to pay, saying that he could not believe "Putin's price hike" had come for hot dogs.
UPDATE: Lemon has been let go from his janitor position after CNN discovered he actually could not be trusted with the chemicals.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
