WASHINGTON, D.C.—After Hillary Clinton once again suggested that Donald Trump was an illegitimate president, one unfortunate staffer was forced to be the one to gently inform her that she lost the election.
"Hey, Hill, we need to talk," the aide said, her voice shaky and uncertain. "We've got to discuss something of some importance. We're all a little worried about you, and we just need to make sure you realize something about the election from a few years ago."
"We don't have time. We need to keep campaigning in swing states like New York and California," Clinton declared, checking her watch. "We'll beat that Trump yet!"
"Yeah, about that, sweetheart," the aide continued. She sighed heavily. "Why don't you take a seat?" The staffer then pulled out a folder listing the electoral results from 2016 and slowly walked Clinton through it. "So you see, you're not actually the president of the United States. I'm so sorry. Do you need a tissue?"
Clinton stared off into space, the words not registering. "Thank you. That will be all," she said at last.
"Do you need any---"
"I SAID THAT WILL BE ALL," Clinton shouted, staring ice daggers into the poor aide's soul.
The staffer has committed suicide by running herself over with an SUV and then backing over herself several times.
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.