TULSA, OK—Local homeschool mom April Wilson and her husband took their kids on an outing they will never forget.
Like most homeschool parents, the Wilsons decided to homeschool solely on the conviction that public schools today just don't have enough Bible courses. Things were going smoothly until April's oldest son, Malachi, started acting out. The homeschool bad boy began cheating when grading his own work, his chicken sculpture project was going nowhere, and he was secretly playing "Thunderstruck" on his fiddle.
She had tried threatening her kids with public school, but Mrs. Wilson knew it was time for something drastic. Inspiration came while binge watching Scared Straight reruns. "I thought, why don't I let them see where they'll end up if they don't take homeschool seriously."
So she loaded up the fourteen passenger van and took the kids on their first outing this year other than Chick-fil-A and Hobby Lobby. As they pulled up to the school, Malachi and his siblings, Mark, Mary, Matthew, Miriam, Moses, Micah, etc. stared from the van at children in the worst possible conditions.
They first saw some kids running around screaming inside a cage full of what appeared to be exercise equipment. Next, they peered through a glass at some sedated looking children in a room full of chairs while an adult was brainwashing them with some kind of propaganda. Soon, a loud siren blared and the students lined up in rows like inmates.
"I've never seen anything so scary in my life," said Malachi. "Those kids were clearly drugged. They weren't wearing pajamas. They used pens that weren't made from chicken feathers. They were stuck doing schoolwork all day. They talked about things I had never heard of like 'Walking Deads' and 'Stars War.' And the food! Was that gruel? I don't ever want to end in a place like this."
At the time of this report, Malachi is much more appreciative of his life as a homeschooler. His youngest brother, Malchus, however, has recently been caught eating sugar and telling lies. If the problems persist, Mrs. Wilson is considering taking them to the local DMV to show them where they will end up working if they don't straighten up.