GALVESTON, TX — Local grandpa Wayne Lee announced to his family that he's begun construction on a homemade cannon, surprising absolutely no one.
"Yes sir, grandpa is building a little something for the backyard," said Grandpa Lee, giving the grandkids a wink. "Why don't we all call it a 'launcher' so the feds don't get suspicious, ok? But mark my words kids, when I'm done this sucker will blow a hole through a foot of concrete! Yee-haw!"
According to sources, Grandpa Lee is a hopeless pyromaniac and has long harbored dreams of building a full-sized cannon, having already created several smaller replicas. "We were all sitting around as a family one evening watching Pirates of the Caribbean, when all of a sudden - BOOM! Grandpa fires a miniature cannon in the living room," said his eldest son Brandon. "He said he was just trying to bring the ship battle to life, which to his credit, he did. There was smoke everywhere. Poor Grandma has had a heart arrhythmia ever since."
Though family members pointed out there is no place nearby to safely fire a howitzer, Grandpa Lee has not been dissuaded. "Wow, this shell is as big as you are!" exclaimed Grandpa, handing his granddaughter a bomb. "Now sweetie, see this diagram I made in Microsoft Word? This is how it's all going to come together. Grandpa just ordered the parts online from something called 'The Anarchists Cookbook', should be here any day!"
At publishing time, Grandpa Lee was seen lighting the grandkids' birthday candles with an actual blowtorch.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: