WASHINGTON, DC — After the stock market lost $1.6 trillion in a single trading day this week, democrats are putting investors at ease, reminding them that all the money they just lost in the stock market wasn't really worth much anyway thanks to inflation.
Speaker Pelosi spoke to constituents at a press conference, reminding them that 1.6 trillion dollars isn't what it used to be thanks to near record levels of inflation. "It's 1.6 trillion, what is that, like three barrels of oil?" said Pelosi. "$1.6 trillion is barely enough to remodel one of my kitchens. Calm down, everyone."
Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer echoed Pelosi's sentiments, reminding Americans that their dollar buys less and less each day. "If this had been $1.6 trillion under the Trump economy, I would understand the worry," said Schumer, as he cashed a large check from a donor. "But $1.6 trillion today is simply not that much."
AOC disagreed slightly. "While Schumer and Pelosi are correct, we have to remember that for black and brown bodies, $1.6 trillion is quite a bit, especially in a cis-hetero patriarchal society." She then turned to an aide and said "is that enough buzzwords?"
The market looks to rebound this week, although it's unclear where any buyers will come from as no one in the country has any money.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
