Several Injured In Brawl When Mormons, Jehovah’s Witnesses Arrive On Porch At Same Time
Church · Jul 8, 2024 ·

WESTFIELD, NJ — According to sources, several were injured in a recent brawl when a pair of Mormons found themselves confronting two rival Jehovah's Witnesses on the front porch of an unsuspecting citizen, Brad Thompson.

Footage from Thompson's doorbell shows that the encounter started innocuously enough, but quickly turned nasty as a representative from both groups tried to ring the doorbell at the same time. Eyewitnesses have confirmed that the quarrel had devolved into theological debate and occasional fisticuffs by the time Brad opened the door.

"We may not believe in the Christian Trinity either, but at least we're kinda like monotheists," screamed Brother Franklin Rutherford, a Jehovah's Witness, as he traded limp-wristed slaps with the Revered Elder Joseph Smitherson III, one of the Mormons.

"Well, at least we use the King James Bible…and our own little addition to the Christian Scriptures, but we don't talk about that part…as opposed to you JW's!" screeched Mormon Brigham Nephi Hyrum, furiously bashing a Jehovah's Witness rival with a leather-bound Book of Mormon.

Thompson said that he was totally shocked by the altercation: "Like I usually do, I was going to invite all of them in and try to share the Gospel that Jesus Christ is the only begotten Son of God, Very God of Very God and True Son of Mary, the Saviour who fulfilled God's Holy Law and died for the sins of fallen humanity to reconcile us to God, but by the time I made it to the door they were all trying to wallop each other with bike helmets and New World Translations. It was really tragic."

At publishing time, things got even more tense when a girl scout selling cookies also showed up on the porch.

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