U.S. — Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned this morning, after miserably failing to assassinate Donald Trump.

"I'm sorry, I failed," said a tearful Cheatle in a statement. "This task of taking out Trump, who is literally Hitler, was entrusted to me, and I didn't manage to get him shot in the head on national television. I should have done better."

"I deeply regret the harm I have caused by allowing the leader of the extremist MAGA Republicans to live."

Homeland Security Secretary Mayorkas thanked Cheatle for her service. "I'm grateful for Kimberly's faithful service, but unfortunately we cannot allow such a sloppy assassin to keep running the Secret Service. I wish her well in her future endeavors, for which she will certainly be paid millions of dollars. Now, if only someone would do something about Trump!"

At publishing time, the DHS announced they were looking for a new director with experience in handling ricin and cyanide.

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