WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic leaders have stated that Donald Trump will destroy democracy, and in order to stop him, their party will endorse a candidate who has never received a single vote in a primary election.
"Oh, yeah, if Trump gets in the White House, it's all over," stated Gayle Quimble, a staffer for Kamala Harris. "That's why we hand-selected a very special candidate outside the democratic process in order to beat him. Democracy itself depends on it!"
When reached for response, Kamala Harris said: "Democracy is important. America is a democracy. It begins with a 'D.' Just like 'doughnut.' Donuts are good, just like democracy. We have to break democracy in order to save it. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
While the Democrat party has not yet addressed the issue of endorsing a nominee who was not picked using democracy, they have released a short statement reminding American voters to focus on the real threats to democracy, such as Trump, who, according to the statement, "should die."
At publishing time, Democrats in Wisconsin, Michigan, and Pennsylvania had announced plans to print thousands of mail-in ballots and pass them out with no chain of custody to protect democracy further.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
