U.S. — Though a 10-year food study determined that ultra-processed foods like Doritos are exceptionally delicious, scientists cautioned that more extensive testing and many more bags were needed to draw a final conclusion.
Researchers with the American Academy of Nutrition appeared to have uncovered a link between ultra-processed foods like Doritos or Twinkies and deliciousness, but stressed that they needed more time and more snacks to know for sure.
"We can safely say that ultra-processed foods are really tasty," said Dr. Jeffrey Plathers, who managed the study. "Man, just talking about it is making me hungry. I could really go for a Ding Dong right now. We really feel like this project could go on for months. Years, even."
Though ultra-processed foods are often considered a boogeyman among the health-conscious, new evidence suggested they are super yummy, and possibly worth sacrificing your health.
As part of the study, two groups of children were locked in cages. Group A was fed only healthy foods while Group B was fed only ultra-processed foods. According to the study's findings, Group B was much happier.
"We've known for years that processing food removes almost all of its nutritional value, but now we know definitively that it also makes it taste exceptionally delicious," Dr. Alice Anderson, a nutritionist who assisted with the study, said as she chomped on some Nacho Cheese Doritos. "I, for one, would like to apologize to the world on behalf of my profession for scaring people away from delicious food."
Critics of the new study questioned the validity of its results given that taste is among the more subjective of the five human senses. The Academy of Amish Sciences, in particular, argued that nothing in the world tastes better than raw broccoli. But Dr. Plathers dismissed such arguments as ignorant of the emotional benefits of a box of Oreos.
At publishing time, the study had been put on hiatus after approximately half of all study participants had slipped into diabetic comas.
The Babylon Bee finally exposes everything about the Jews in this documentary of hard-hitting investigative journalism.
