ISRAEL — Scholars now believe that David's filthy headshot on Goliath was aided by years of practice playing Call Of Duty.
"According to Scripture, Goliath had been camping in one spot for forty days like a total noob," said Old Testament scholar Dr. Richard Bartman. "David held his breath, steadied his aim, then delivered a sick headshot to kick off what would become an absolutely epic kill streak."
Overlooked as the youngest of eight, David had spent years quietly honing his Call Of Duty skills during slow nights of shepherding. "While his brothers looked down on hard-scoping, David was a pro," said seminary professor Alvin Adams. "The Israelites tried to change David's loadout before he fought Goliath - add body armor and go heavy - but David knew his strengths. David stayed light, kept his attachment for extra sling ammo, and delivered a ridiculous headshot that would change the course of history."
While some sources report David's subsequent kill streak reached over ten thousand, a teammate known as "**King_$aul**" disputed the number. Tensions over who had the most kills eventually boiled over, leading to an unsuccessful spear melee attack on David. "David repeatedly used kill streaks to call in his mighty men, who helped to thwart off several ambushes," said Dr. Bartman. "While David admittedly resorted to camping at times, his ultimate kill-death ratio was astounding. David no doubt defeated his Israelite teammate for MVP honors."
At publishing time, pastors across the nation were updating the title of their David and Goliath sermons to "What is the noob in your life that you need to pwn?"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
