WASHINGTON, D.C. — In order to defeat fascism, Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has called for the military to shut down news agencies that say anything unapproved by the government.
"It's like, defeating fascism 101," said Ms. Ocasio-Cortez. "The government takes control of the nation's media, then silences all the bad people. Fascism solved!"
Ms. Ocasio-Cortez has demanded the government start with banning Tucker Carlson, followed by several other conservative journalists. "We are in literal danger of falling into fascism until the government locks away all the bad journalists," explained Ms. Ocasio-Cortez. "Look at China - they are like, so safe from fascism. Do you see anything like January 6th happening in China? I don't think so. Anyone in China who says anything the government thinks could incite violence, is like, disappeared or something. It's all worth it if we stop just one Januray 6th."
According to Democratic leadership, the government's efforts to beat back fascism will require immediately making a handy "blacklist" to be overseen by the "House Un-American Activities Committee". "The committee will monitor the news for un-American activities such as saying the government narrative may be wrong," said Representative Hakeem Jeffries. "As the government steadily crushes dissenting speech by labeling it as an 'incitement to violence', fascism will be destroyed once and for all."
At publishing time, Ms. Ocasio-Cortez had asked Jen Psaki if the contact lenses she was wearing made her look smart.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
