FINLAND — Despite making history as the first trans figure skater, 57-year-old trans woman Minna-Maaria Antikainen clumsily fell and needed assistance rising from the ice amid swelling orchestral music and spotlights last week. Analysts say Antikainen's strategy was "ill-advised" because it involved a biological male picking the one sport where biological women have a natural advantage.
"Aw man--classic rookie mistake!" said local gender surgeon Cletus McCrosby to reporters. "Everyone knows that if a biological man wants to dominate in a woman's sport, the last sport you want to choose is one that requires natural feminine grace and beauty. I always recommend my clients start with the discus or the shot-put. Biological women are really bad at throwing stuff."
At this point, it is unclear why Antikainen chose figure skating instead of a more sensible sport like weightlifting, MMA, or maybe that one game where people put flour on their faces and take turns slapping each other as hard as they can.
At publishing time, Antikainen was nominated for the newly-created "Nobel Prize In Falling With Style, Grace, and Symbolism Of Our Common Human Struggle To Rise Up Against Biological Oppression."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
