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Researcher Discovers Only Bad Charles Spurgeon Sermon In Existence

KANSAS CITY, MO—A previously lost-to-the-ages 1861 sermon by Charles Spurgeon has been discovered by the curator of Midwestern Baptist Theological Seminary’s Spurgeon Library, Dr. Christian George, who confirmed it as the only terrible sermon the Prince of Preachers ever delivered in his lifetime.

George reportedly discovered the message—delivered by Spurgeon shortly after his congregation moved to the Metropolitan Tabernacle—as part of the professor’s ongoing Lost Sermons of C.H. Spurgeon literary project.

The sermon apparently began with the famed Baptist preacher rising up out of the stage on an elevated platform, as dry ice provided an inexplicable foggy atmosphere around the pulpit. “Are y’all ready for some preaching?! I can’t hear you! I said, are you ready for some preaching?!” the message began, according to the transcript.

“He goes on for five or six minutes like that, trying to get the crowd all pumped up,” George told reporters. “After his hype-filled introduction, he tells a few personal anecdotes before encouraging his audience to ‘get out of [their] comfort zones’ and ‘avoid thinking too many negative thoughts,’ before finally cutting to a lengthy clip from a popular Victorian stage play.”

“I could barely finish reading it after Spurgeon gave a long, drawn-out altar call, telling the crowd that he would not dismiss them until every single person in attendance raised their hand to receive Christ,” the professor said, noting that it was distressing enough that the sermon had been preached from a seated position on a stool while a series of oil lamps with colored lenses cast flickering beams onto the background behind him.

“Looking at the historical record recounting the delivery of this unfortunate sermon, it appears it was so poorly received by the congregation that Spurgeon scrapped a plan to take to his pulpit the next Sunday riding a motorbike,” he added.