WASHINGTON, D.C. — Congressional Republicans were publicly congratulating themselves this week, celebrating $9 billion in spending cuts shortly after passing a bill that will add $3 trillion to the national debt.
"We did it! We saved America!" said Alabama Congressman Mike Rogers. "Mission accomplished, everyone!"
The Rescissions Act of 2025, also known as the DOGE cuts bill, reportedly slashes billions in wasteful government expenditures that were identified by Elon Musk's Department of Government Efficiency. Republicans said it made them feel a little bit better about pushing the nation further toward bankruptcy only a few weeks earlier.
Kentucky Congressmen Rand Paul and Thomas Massie had reportedly called out their colleagues, advising them to "chill out" and show some sense of decorum as the nation hurtles steadily toward financial insolvency, to which their colleagues responded, "WOOOO! We are the champions!"
According to sources on Capitol Hill, Social Security and Medicare will become insolvent within the next decade unless spending is cut dramatically, but experts believe that was likely to be someone else's problem. "Most congressmen will be dead in ten years," said Dr. Brian Monahan, attending physician of the United States Congress. "Plus, they've all become independently wealthy during their time in Washington, so they don't really worry about the country falling into financial ruin."
At publishing time, Republicans had introduced a new bill that, if passed, would make DOGE a permanent department of the United States, all for the low cost of just $1 trillion.
Liberal Brynnleigh travels back to 1933 Germany to erase a certain stain on humanity.
