WASHINGTON, D.C. — Now that Republicans control the House of Representatives, they are promising a round of thorough and aggressive investigations into Joe and Hunter Biden's business dealings. To lead the investigations, House Republicans have selected Lucy van Pelt.
"Yes, we are definitely going to bring Biden to justice once and for all, you blockheads!" said Lucy in a press release. "Do you think I'd mess with you? What do you take me for, a liar? Don't be so wishy-washy! These investigations will certainly end in meaningful prosecutions for all the wrongdoing of everyone involved, or my name ain't Lucy van Pelt!"
Sources say conservative voters are skeptical, partially due to America's longstanding tradition of allowing every corrupt government official to always go free without consequences, but also due to Lucy being a cartoon child who likes to string Charlie Brown along before pulling the football out from under him.
"Good grief," said one conservative voter. "Do they really think we can't see through them at this point? Aaugh!"
House Speaker front-runner Kevin McCarthy further assured Americans that the investigations would definitely produce meaningful results. "Think of all the great TV moments we'll get! We'll have wall-to-wall investigations and cool clips of us owning Biden officials when they're called to testify! How cool is that?" he said to supporters. "We hope you enjoy the production while we spend another $2 trillion behind your back."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
