U.S.—Despite the countless examples of censorship and flagrant misuse of users’ personal data, along with the adverse intrapersonal and social effects, sources close to you confirmed Monday that you are still using Facebook, for some reason.
Sources claimed that while you complain about the social giant regularly, you visit it numerous times every day, providing it with plentiful page views and ad revenue. Sources further claimed that, in fact, you have scrolled through your timeline almost a dozen times today alone.
“We’re not sure why they’re still using that evil network—they’ve seen all the news reports about their lies and sneaky Orwellian practices,” sources stressed. “Heck, they even shared some of them on Facebook.”
“It’s like they haven’t thought about the fact that they can just, like, stop using it, and everything will be OK,” they added.
At publishing time, sources confirmed that you’ll be on Facebook all day again tomorrow, for some reason.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.