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Theology
God Unsure How He's Going To Accomplish His Eternal Purposes If Republicans Lose Congress

HEAVEN—A report from the throne room of the Most High God issued Tuesday indicated that the Lord is unsure how He's going to accomplish His eternal purposes if Republicans lose control of Congress in the upcoming US midterm elections.

Multiple angelic sources confirmed that God is "scrambling" for a backup plan to carry out His sovereign will and establish a new heaven and new earth, should the Democrats take over.

"He's pretty worried about it," said one seraph, speaking on condition of anonymity. "He's done all this work to put His anointed one in the White House, and now it all might be for nothing."

The angel reassured Christians that God has several contingency plans in place. "Don't freak out about it or anything—He somehow managed to remain in control during the Clinton years. And we still aren't sure how He managed to continue to work His sovereign plan of calling worshipers out of every tribe and nation while Obama was in charge, but He pulled it off. So even if the evil Dems take over, He'll think of something, we're pretty sure."

Heaven's angels also reminded American Christians to vote Republican to ensure that God can continue to work all things for His glory without having to call an emergency audible.

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