WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a press conference today, Press Secretary Jen Psaki vowed to track down and destroy the secret underground lair where all corporate executives meet to decide to raise prices simultaneously, for no reason.
"It's a conspiracy! A CONSPIRACY, I TELL YOU!" said Psaki as she wildly flipped through her notebook. "The big meat conglomerates! The oil conglomerates! The toothpaste conglomerates! They're all greedy and they're conspiring to raise prices on consumers because they're greedy!"
When questioned by the press, Psaki assured them that the record inflation rates had absolutely nothing to do with unprecedented government spending which devalues the currency and strips wealth away from the poorest Americans. She also made clear that inflation has nothing to do with the fact that corporations are raising worker pay by record levels in order to keep up with the runaway inflation.
"The most important takeaway here is that none of this is our fault here in the government," she said. "The government is completely competent and incorruptible and never does anything wrong. No, this is all the fault of the conglomerates of people conglomerating to raise prices. IT'S A CONSPIRACY!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
