SACRAMENTO, CA - California Governor Gavin Newsom has announced that in response to the Omicron variant there will be a statewide mask mandate on your mom, because she is so ugly and no one wants to deal with looking at her while we have COVID to worry about.
"Scientists say this new Omicron variant is spreading fast," Newsom announced to the press. "And the first thing I thought of is your mom and how her face can strip paint. Can you imagine being sick from COVID and also having to look at your ugly mom? That's why we're mandating that your mom wear a mask immediately, and we will even supply a free paper bag if needed."
The mask mandate on your ugly mom is effective immediately, and you are urged to check and make sure your mom is wearing a mask, because you're the one most used to looking at her if she isn't.
So far, the mask mandate on your mom is popular, as no one wants to look at your mom, since being exposed to her face violates the Geneva Convention. Some have objected, though. "The governor is overstepping his authority by imposing a mask mandate on just your mom," said Barry Tucker, a weirdo libertarian. "We do hope your mom voluntarily chooses to wear a mask, though. Please, please, please urge her to wear a mask. The last time she went outside, all the neighborhood dogs ran away."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
