WASHINGTON, D.C. — An investigation has revealed that Representative Nancy Pelosi purchased $10 million in Taco Bell stock the day before President Trump loosened marijuana regulations.
Taco Bell's stock surged 47% in the trading session following the announcement of easier access to weed.
"The timing of the stock purchase is purely coincidental. Ms. Pelosi has a long history of loving Taco Bell," said Pelosi's office in a statement. "She has always been a huge fan of the Crunchwrap Supreme. The stock purchase was in no way related to the imminent change in marijuana regulations, and it is a mystery why they would be connected. Ms. Pelosi is guilty of nothing but loving tacos and capitalism."
Several stocks made big moves in the market in the aftermath of the news, with Betty Crocker soaring over 20% on the strength of increased brownie sales projections. Beanie manufacturers also saw strong gains in after-market trading.
At publishing time, Pelosi had also been discovered to have purchased $1 million worth of stock in the parent company that owns Doritos.
These friendly Christian extremists have gotten out of hand.
