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Protesters Attack Presbyterian Worshipers After Mistaking Them For Statues

LAKE FOREST, IL—A gang of social justice warriors, roaming the streets in search of more monuments to topple, fell upon a group of Presbyterians holding an outdoor church service on Sunday and attacked them. The protestors apparently mistook the worshippers for a group of statues. 

Members of First Elect Reverent Presbyterian Church were holding an outdoor worship service Sunday morning and were standing in an open courtyard next to the church when the activists approached. Just as the motionless figures completed a 23 minute period of silent confession, parishioner Calvin Archibald opened his eyes and saw dozens of picketers charging toward them. Archibald later told sources he remained frozen in fear, but when his daughter Grace reached up to scratch her nose, the protestors realized their blunder and halted just in time.

“They looked like a group of statues, the way they were frozen in that courtyard,” activist Cayden Gresham told reporters. “It didn’t help that they must not spend much time in the sun. They were as white as marble.”

“Honest mistake,” he added.

After the demonstrators left, the statuesque congregation raised their eyebrows in unison and faintly smiled to thank God he had not predestined them to die this day, though many told sources they would have gratefully accepted their fate had this been God’s ordained will.

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