ROME—An Italian doctor has announced a new method for treating coronavirus, but not everyone is a believer. The doctor says he has cured many, many cases of the disease caused by the virus by throwing colored pills at them.
His claims have drawn skepticism from the medical community, who have pointed out that the treatment has no basis in medical science and that the doctor himself appears to be a video game character.
"All you a-gotta do is a-match a-four colors in a row!" the doctor said at a press conference. "Wahoo!" He then did a triple backflip.
"This a-method a-makes the virus a-disappear!" he shouted happily. He then performed several successive wall kicks and ended up balancing on the rafters somehow. "Yipee!"
Many are saying the doctor's claims are based in pseudoscience and that coronavirus doesn't come in colors like red, blue, and yellow that could be matched up to specific pills. "As far as we can tell, these claims have no basis in reality," said one Italian health professional. "In fact, the so-called 'Doctor' Mario has never received an accredited medical degree, and he seems to spend far more of his time jumping around, collecting coins, and stomping on innocent Goombas than studying medicine."
"He also tested positive for mushrooms."