SOUTH GREELEY, WY—Local man Greg Boering has practiced social distancing as a way of life for most of his adulthood, so he was ecstatic this week when he learned that science is finally affirming his lifestyle. He's long suspected that not interacting with other humans as much as possible is the best way to live life, but he hasn't had the science to back it up. Until now.
Boering has been waiting his whole life for this moment, according to sources.
"Keeping six feet away from people? Avoiding large crowds? That's amateur hour," said the man who lives on a ranch in Wyoming by himself just so he doesn't have to see people very often. "I practice a minimum of 600 feet when I can help it, and the biggest crowd I'm usually with is 1."
"But, man, with this new outbreak, I'm wondering if I should move any farther away from all these infected people," he muttered as he checked out some more secluded properties to the north. "600 miles away from the nearest person would be ideal."
When Boering goes into a crowded store he keeps his head down and actively swerves to avoid people, just going to grab the exact item he needs and then bolting out of there. "Ideally, nobody breathes on me, nobody makes any physical contact with me, and I'm back home within the hour."