OTTAWA HILLS, OH — According to sources, local mother Karen White had a talk with her struggling 14-year-old daughter who believes herself to be less pretty than her friends at school. During the conversation, Mrs. White reassured her daughter that she's beautiful and perfect just the way she is — unless she's trans — in which case she'll need extensive plastic surgery.
"Don't worry Bella," said White. "God made you perfect! You are unique and beautiful and you shouldn't change anything about yourself! Unless, of course, you're trans. If you're trans, you're a total disaster and cannot be happy unless doctors disassemble your body and make it into something else. Are you trans, honey?"
The young girl shrugged and pulled her hoodie up over her head.
Taking that as a "yes," Mrs. White has scheduled counseling and transition treatment for her new transgender son.
At publishing time, the local hospital confirmed they will make approximately 12 million dollars performing various plastic surgeries on Bella before her 18th birthday.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
