NEW YORK, NY — Beloved CNN host of Reliable Sources Brian Stelter is being let go from the network after being accused of sexual misconduct by Mrs. Potato Head.
"Here at CNN, we take all allegations of sexual harassment very seriously," said a spokesman for the network. "The charges leveled by Mrs. Potato Head were so egregious that we couldn't bury it any longer. Usually, when you bury these things, they multiply and you'll be dealing with ten more by the time you uproot them."
Sources say Stelter's firing is part of a larger effort to remove staff members who are caught up in harassment allegations and who also have a show no one watches.
Stelter responded to the accusations, saying: "These charges are false, and I'm furious that CNN would allow my good name to be besmirched like this. And you can tell how angry I am because I'm wearing my frowny mouth and angry eyes."
At publishing time, Stelter confirmed he would be taking his time off to reconnect with relatives in Idaho.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
