TORONTO, ONTARIO - Local progressive Christian believer Tim Gardens was arrested for his faith Monday but was quickly cleared of all charges and released with a heartfelt apology by Canadian authorities.
Officials had been tipped off that Gardens believed Christian doctrine, violating Canada's hate speech laws, but upon examination of his beliefs they were forced to let him go.
"We thought this guy was a Christian, but we were clearly mistaken, eh?" said one policeman. "We asked him about his views on Scripture, God, Satan, hell, wrath, and sin, and not a single one of his beliefs turned out to be Christian in the slightest. There was simply zero evidence for it."
"We are very sorry to Mr. Gardens for this error. So sorry, like really apologetically sorry," he added.
Gardens offered a verbal confession that he was, in fact, a Christian, but authorities weren't buying it. "I believe more Christian stuff than you and I'm not even a Christian," said one investigator. "Sorry, bub, but you're gonna have to come up with a better story than that." The man even tried to show them his Bible to prove he's a believer but wasn't sure where it was.
"Maybe next time I'll quote Gandhi or something to show them I'm a man of faith," he said outside the police station.