PHILADELPHIA, PA — After years of outrage, a Pennsylvanian Great White shark was stripped this morning of its University of Pennsylvania Women's Swimming titles by school officials.
The University of Pennsylvania administration has apologized for allowing the shark to change in the women's locker room and has vacated all records set by the Great White throughout its career.
"We deeply regret the irreversible harm we have allowed to come to female competitors by allowing the shark to swim on our women's team," the University of Pennsylvania swim coach said in a press release. "We have unretired the shark's racing suit and rescinded the titles unfairly won by the Great White shark, and we promise to make amends as best as we can."
The decision has been loudly protested by shark rights advocates, who maintain that a Great White shark should never be denied the right to compete in the NCAA women's swimming competition.
"This move is an affront to Great Whites everywhere," said one activist. "The University of Pennsylvania should apologize for this travesty and be more welcoming of human-adjacent swimmers on their teams. Justice for Great Whites!"
At publishing time, the University of Pennsylvania had generously offered to pay for the surgeries of several female swimmers whom the Great White had ruthlessly maimed during its time in collegiate swimming.
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