U.S. — Americans despondent over the results of the 2026 midterm elections breathed a sigh of relief on Wednesday morning as news broke that Elon Musk had purchased the United States.
The Democrats scored major victories across the country last night, gaining control of both the Senate and the House of Representatives, but were disappointed to learn that the advance of the wider socialist takeover of the U.S. would now face a significant obstacle after Musk bought the country.
"Not so fast, socialists," Musk said in a statement posted on X. "I have officially filed the necessary paperwork to purchase the United States. I got a good deal due to all of the outstanding debt, which I will now pay off with whatever I happen to find under my couch cushions. There will be several big changes coming to the country to make it more efficient. And more flamethrowers. There will also be more flamethrowers."
While he said he would respect the will of the people and allow the Democrats to remain in power, Musk warned leftists that they would be kept on a tight leash. "Don't push your luck," he continued. "You may be in charge of a lot, but you're not in charge of everything. If you get out of line, there are a lot of rockets being launched into outer space that you could be strapped to."
At publishing time, a smiling Musk had arrived at the U.S. Capitol carrying a large kitchen sink.
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