ANN ARBOR, MI — While in obvious possession of a superior argument and bearing full knowledge of the issues at hand, a liberal committed a felony assault.
A female college student described as "diverse" reportedly assaulted a Jewish woman at the University of Michigan on Sunday, proving once and for all that she could best her in an argument.
The college student said assaulting another student and getting arrested was preferable to sitting down and discussing the issues because she would have blown their minds.
"Their little minds couldn't possibly take it," said the student. "Tackling that girl was a mercy in comparison. My argument would have literally killed everyone there."
Bystanders at the scene reported being shocked by how good her argument must have been. "Remind me never to get into an argument with her," said Phillip Jeffs, a psych major. "She clearly knew what she was screaming obscenely about."
Campus police were allegedly amazed by the suspect's well-thought-out arguments as she rode handcuffed in the backseat of their police car. "She was so smart and so bright, I began to question why we were even arresting her," said Officer Dan Williams. "Oh, right. The assault. And the saying that she should have killed the victim when she had the chance."
At publishing time, the assailant had spat in the police officers' faces, showing her true intellectual superiority.
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