LONDON - Using microscopic communication technology, the COVID-19 strain within Prince Andrew revealed it was actually only 14 at the time of the infection.
"He came at me all crazy-eyed like a cat in heat," said the coronavirus. "I didn't say anything at the time because I was ashamed... but it's time I finally stood up for myself."
The youthful coronavirus then tweeted a lengthy thread in which it condemned the royal prince, prompting the Queen to grant him new royal titles only so she could take them away in disgust. The tweets ended with a call to action in addition to trending hashtags; #MeToo and #BelieveAllViruses.
Prince Andrew has denied he ever contracted coronavirus before anyone else did. "I would never do such a thing. And if I did I didn't know. You can't always tell how old viruses are!" he bellowed with pedophilic rage.
According to sources, the prince created a fake Twitter account in which to berate the virus and sow doubt among its supporters.
"It's the virus's fault!" he said under the guise of user @ivermectin247. "It gets passed around all the time. Everyone's caught it!"
Prince Andrew's publicist has officially confirmed that the prince has only minor symptoms and is grateful to be both vaxxed and boosted.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
