WASHINGTON, D.C. - Panic broke out at the Supreme Court building today, June 26, 2015, when a "Bravis B. Goodside" appeared from a green warp zone claiming to be a time traveler. Sources say Bravis described a dark future where the gay agenda swallows children whole.
"Stop the horror to come! I'm from 2031 and pedophelia isn't just 'normalized' - it's celebrated! They are sexualizing kids! THEY ARE COMING FOR YOUR CHILDREN!" Eyewitnesses confirm that Mr. Goodside caught his breath before continuing in what onlookers described as an unhinged rant. "My timeline has forced enrollment for all children in 18-year grooming boot camps and forced celebratory use of made-up pronouns - stop it here before it's too late!" The crowd increased in volume and closed in around Mr. Goodside, sources confirm, with most shouting him down as a hateful bigot for barring gays from love.
Mr. Goodside's agitation grew when capitol troopers handcuffed him. "Acceptance and inclusion?!? That's rich, there's not much acceptance in my timeline. My 3 kids were taken years ago by 'Child Grooming Services' over a small infraction. I was convicted on 2 counts of homeschooling and 1 count of 'raising up my children in the fear and admonition of the Lord' - now the only time I see my kids is on the Drag Queen Parades broadcasted on the only channel on my telescreen!"
Mr. Goodside's voice was drowned out by the uproar, eyewitnesses say, as he described how the government's 'love is love' enforcers finally stopped their advance when the last freedom fighter was squished under tank treads.
At publishing time, safety was restored when Mr. Goodside was taken into custody and placed in a CIA black site for "reeducation."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
