PORTLAND, OR—Facing massive budget cuts, the Portland Police Bureau has come up with an exciting new way to fund their department. Upstanding citizens can now pay 5 dollars to throw tear gas at communist protesters. People from across the country are lining up to live their lifelong dreams of blasting dirty commies with tear gas.
"Getting bathed in tear gas is the closest my son Fidel has been to taking a shower in weeks," said a local Portland mom after paying her five bucks and chucking a canister at the crowd. "I'm hoping our basement will smell a little better now. I used to think that all police were evil fascists, but my time gassing commies has opened my eyes. That was the most fun I've had in ages. Thanks, Portland Police!"
"Take this, commies!"
Antifa rioters have condemned the PPD's actions as "a criminal fascist attempt to protect the protectors of white capitalist power structures from being hit in the face with bricks." They have promised to retaliate with a barrage of water balloons, super soakers, and explosive mortars which they will peacefully hurl at officers' heads.
Sources are reporting that using this new tear gas initiative, the PPD recovered its entire 15 million dollar budget cut in just two days.
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