WASHINGTON, D.C.—Yesterday, aides went down into the basement to check on Joe Biden, deliver him a protein shake, and bring him a special surprise: season 3 of Matlock on VHS. They were horrified to find he had escaped, having left only a cryptic note reading "I'M BEING HELD HOSTAGE AND THEY'RE MAKING ME RUN FOR PRESIDENT AGAINST MY WILL PLEASE SEND HELP."
As they racked their brains for where he could be, though, the TV in the kitchen was playing the Nationals game. Horrified aides turned to the television to see an elderly man in the stands wandering around the field sniffing cardboard cutout fans.
"Well, hey, there, little lady," Biden said as he sidled up next to a "pretty little thing." "Is anyone sitting here? I'm not into all that hugger-mugger social distancing hoeey, no sirree." He offered her a pretzel and some nachos, but she was pretty unresponsive. "The quiet type? Fine with me. You can just sit here and watch the game with ol' Uncle Joe, toots."
"No, Joe! Bad Joe!" said a security guard as he chased Biden around. But Biden was surprisingly limber for a 127-year-old, dodging and diving and jumping seats to sniff as many of the cutouts as possible before he would be apprehended and sent back to his basement. "I don't want to go back to the basement -- just let me have my fun!" he cried. "I feeeeel happy!!
To prevent further incidents, aides have placed multiple cardboard cutouts throughout Biden's basement for him to sniff.