NEW YORK, NY—Pfizer has once again come to the world’s rescue by creating a new vaccine that prevents people from getting myocarditis. Experts are hopeful that this miracle vaccine can stop cases of the once extremely rare heart condition that has recently spiked tremendously for no reason whatsoever.
“What’s most surprising here is we have no idea what could have caused this increase in cases,” said Pfizer’s top immunologist Klaus Vanders. “Normally we’d assume that some kind of experimental treatment was forced on an entire population for cases to jump like this, but since nothing like that has happened we have no clue.”
“As for the Myocarditis vaccine itself— it is 100% effective, has absolutely no side effects, and zero data to back either of those statements up,” Vanders continued. “Also, everyone must get it or it won’t work at all, but then it will work super well, and may even need boosters.”
In a recent statement, the CDC has stressed urgently that if you have been vaccinated for COVID then you’ll definitely need to get vaccinated for Myocarditis, but not because the two are related in any way.
At the time of publishing Pfizer has reportedly already started working on a new vaccine that will prevent all of your teeth from falling out suddenly. Pfizer assures that this is a completely unrelated vaccine and not a side effect of the Myocarditis vaccine.
Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.