WASHINGTON, D.C. - A national study on defunding the police has just concluded, and it has a surprising result: The defunding of police tends to lead to a massive increase in funding for police.
"It was an astonishing result," said social scientist Candace Wells, "but every time a city defunded police, that was soon followed by a massive, almost exorbitant increase in funding."
The Defund the Police movement was a popular cause among the far-left, especially among elite whites who live in gated communities and the exceptionally dumb. Poor communities whom it would most affect tended to be more tepid about the idea, but who would listen to them? The idea was also very popular among other groups, though.
"Defunding the police is a great idea!" said Tommy "the Snake" Lucas, a career criminal. "I wish cities that did it would stick with it."
The study has shown, though, that something happens soon after cities defund police that would lead to a complete reversal with an almost desperate increase in police funding. "We're not sure exactly what," said Wells, "but there seems to be a high correlation."
This result can be seen in San Francisco, where, after being lax on petty crime, Mayor London Breed has decided to increase police funding. "Take this! Buy bullets!" said Breed, tossing stacks of cash at police. "If you see any shoplifter or anything, just shoot them! Save us!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
