MIAMI, FL - Tourists unloading from the ferry onto Liberty Island in New York Harbor were met with disappointment this week, as the pedestal upon which the Statue of Liberty once stood was empty. Instead, a letter on stationery the size of a king bed lay on the pedestal with a message reading, "Fed up with New York, moving to Florida. - L. Liberty"
"I had just clocked into my shift this morning and looked up to see she was gone," said security guard Feldman Baxter, while complying with the city's mandates of wearing three masks outdoors, standing 20 feet from anyone else, rubbing his arm from his recent fifth booster jab, and ending each sentence with, "Praise Fauci."
Reports flooded in of eyewitnesses seeing the fifteen-story symbol of freedom driving an oversized U-Haul down the Atlantic coastline, stopping only for gas and fish tacos.
"Wow, I love it here! I feel like I'm with my people," said the Statue of Liberty while wading out to a small island off the coast of Miami to make herself comfortable in her new home. "I need to buy myself a bikini."
At time of publishing, D.C. officials were investigating the now-empty marble chair of the Lincoln Memorial.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
