CNN Quietly Resets 'Days Since An Employee Committed A Sex Crime' Counter Back To Zero

ATLANTA, GA—According to an anonymous source within the organization, CNN has quietly reset their counter that measures the days since one of their employees committed a sex crime back to zero. 

"I don't think we've ever made it past one day," said the source. "Well, I take that back—I think we made it for two days sometime last spring." 

This seems to confirm what many on the outside have come to suspect—that CNN is a roiling cauldron of disgusting sexual abuse that would make the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah blush. 

Efforts have been made to decrease the number of vile perverse acts towards innocent people at CNN, including yearly bonuses for employees who manage not to rape someone, and the "days since last sex crime counter", which was just reset to zero.

For employee safety, CNN's HR department will also be issuing free rape whistles to anyone who signs a non-disclosure agreement. 


Gregory Ilinovich loves murdering people with illegal guns - so he's a bit concerned about all these new gun regulations. Luckily, he tends not to follow laws anyway.

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