WASHINGTON, D.C. — After several unsuccessful votes for House Speaker, Republicans have unearthed an obscure Constitutional Rule that allows the Speaker to be chosen in a Wipeout-style obstacle course.
"With a heavy heart, I move to take this contest outside, to the giant red ball things in the reflecting pool, to determine who will lead this great legislative body," said Congressman Jim Jordan. "Once the obstacles have been thoroughly covered in dish suds, we will face each other in this glorious arena, the winner chosen fair and square. May God be with us all."
Representatives then shuffled out of the building single file as aides rushed in swimsuits and safety helmets.
Halfway through the contest, McCarthy announced he was fully confident he would still be House Speaker, even as he careened hilariously through the air after being smacked in the face with a giant red moving pole.
At publishing time, 32 contestants had been rushed to the local hospital.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: