WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following an extensive investigation, U.S. Attorney General Pam Bondi held a press conference to announce that the Department of Justice had officially confirmed that Greedo shot first.
Despite theories abounding that smuggler Han Solo had fired the first shot in an incident that occurred in a Mos Eisley cantina on Tatooine years ago, Bondi stated that all available evidence pointed to Greedo shooting first before he was gunned down.
"We have concluded that there is no evidence that Han Solo shot first," Bondi told reporters. "After reviewing all documentation, this department has officially closed the investigation and can move on now that the case has been solved. We thank everyone for their patience in this matter."
Conspiracy theorists across social media immediately exploded in outrage following the announcement. "This is insane! There's actual footage of Han shooting first!" said one angry post. "Any video evidence of Greedo shooting has OBVIOUSLY been digitally altered. They're trying to get away with lying to everyone!"
Skeptics alleged that Bondi and the Department of Justice may have been covering for powerful individuals. "We all know what really happened," another social media post said. "No matter what they say, nobody believes that Greedo shot first. It's all a big lie to cover their tracks. We won't rest until the truth comes out!"
At publishing time, the Department of Justice had also confirmed that no evidence existed that Emperor Palpatine was a Sith Lord.
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