ARLINGTON, VA — Shockwaves reverberated throughout the nation's capital today as reports emerged that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi had been arrested and charged with running the country while under the influence.

"We observed Ms. Pelosi's most recent press conference and determined that she was several sheets to the wind," said D.C. Police spokesman Cody Callow. "We suspected she simply was doing a faithful impersonation of the President, but it soon became quite obvious the Speaker was, in fact, totally plastered."

Though the Speaker of the House has been slurring her speech for years, seeing her stumble comedically through the hallways of the U.S. Capitol was the final nail in the coffin. Congressional rules strictly prohibit running the country while under the influence of alcohol (though cocaine orgies are, in fact, encouraged), so Pelosi was charged and scheduled to be released, pending a court hearing.

Though the House of Representatives was briefly without a Speaker and therefore rudderless, no one seemed to notice any difference from the normal day-to-day business at the Capitol. There were whispers going around the House chambers as the news spread, with Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez overheard asking, "Why did she get to wear actual handcuffs?!"

At time of publishing, Speaker Pelosi was last seen walking shakily out of her office with a fresh bottle of Smirnoff, eager to get back to her important work of making millions off insider trading.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.